Everybody has a past, some like to talk about it, others don't. Some remember their past better than others. For some of us, that past is a happy one, for the most part, parents that loved us, siblings that stood up for us, a home that felt safe and secure. For others, it wasn't that way at all, we lived in homes with emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. We had parents that may have been addicted to drugs or alcohol. Our parents may have been divorced once, or many times. We may have experienced many losses of loved ones, and suffered through the pain of death and many sorrows at a very young age. We could have been seperated from our parents, our siblings, our homes.
I spent a good share of my childhood searching for my father. He and my mother married and divorced in a short period of time. I never really knew him. But, I was determined to find him. I was given opportunity to know his mother, my grandmother, and his sister, my aunt. And, I would ask them all the time of his whereabouts. But, to no avail, they would not tell me. I searched phone books, I begged God, I schemed of ways to figure out where he could be, and then one day I found his son.
I was 16. I drove to the shop where his son worked and told him who I was. I asked if he knew where his father was. He did, but was not willing to tell me either. The search continued for years and I did finally find him. I did get to know him a little before he died, and it was healing to my heart.
Now, years later, that brother I confronted has contacted me, along with a sister. Stories of who my dad was has began to pour out of the past into the present, and the effects of how he impacted many lives is becoming very evident. Unfortunatley, his legacy was one of negativity rather than light and positivity. This grieves my heart for not just him, but for all the ones that were so deeply wounded by this man, the man I searched for so desperatly for so many years.
I thought that if I found this man I would know who I was. I would have an identity and a clear understanding of who I truly was meant to be in this world. I was so wrong. I thought it would make my hard, broken life easier, and give me a way of escape. In reality, God was shielding me from more pain. He was protecting me, and keeping me from having an even more painful past. I just couldn't see it at the time.
When the past comes knocking, thank God for the light He is showing you. Thank God for the truth He is revealing to you about that past, and the beautiful path He chose for you instead. I'm going to do that today. Let it be to me, Dear God, as it is according to Your Word!