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For I will restore you and heal you of your wounds, says  the Lord, because they called you an outcast saying: "this is Zion; No one seeks her." 

Jeremiah 30:17

When we were told that we were indeed pregnant, after believing we were not for over a month, my sorrow was instantly gone! Even though I had lost a baby, my childs twin, I was able to see that incredible miracle that God had blessed us with, and I felt so joyful. I knew in my heart that this child I carried would indeed be very special! My pregnancy with him was one miracle after another, I spent most of my time on bedrest, and much of it in the hospital. He was eager to come out and see the world. On the day he was born, he was breech and my water broke early in the morning. Consequently, I had an emergency C-section. Our son was 4 weeks early, and healty. 

After our still birth at 25 weeks, we waited the counseled time before trying for another child. My sorrow was deep, and I wanted to try again. I couldn't imagine that it would happen again, as the doctor assured me that nothing was wrong. Our son that was born at 25 weeks had no defects, there were no explanations as to why he did not survive. I was encouraged to try again and when it was time I felt strong and eager to be pregnant and give our youngest son a sibling. 

The next pregnancy was also a boy. At 20 weeks I was at the doctor in the waiting room, and I had a feeling of dread come over me. I knew that this baby too was not alive. When I made it back to the exam room I told my doctor that I thought the baby was no longer living. She was startled. She began to listen for the heartbeat, but she was not able to find one, so she quickly took me to get an ultrasound.

There was no heartbeat.

I remember feeling like I could not breathe. 

I called my husband, and he came to be with me. Again, arrangements were made for me to go to the hospital. This time for a d&c. 

I went through this three more times. And, then it was enough. It was madness. I had used up all my sadness, and moved to madness. God was NOT giving me what I wanted, and I was mad! I was hurt, confused, in pain, afraid, and it felt completely crazy! I wondered what HIS problem was! 

Yet, His promise was: For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

And, then my husband offered adoption, and I accepted.